It has been almost two weeks since my last post. The analyzation process of the defragging has been difficult. I wrote down the information that my therapist requested and then we met to organize it chronologically. Just dating and organizing all the traumatic incidents was exhausting and brought me to tears.
I have been struggling with depression, anger, anxiety and a variety of other emotions for the last few weeks. I have really wanted to just disconnect from life and have no brain function at all. The memories keep flashing through my brain making me twitch and say things like, “Shut up!” “Go away!” “No!” ”Not doing this!” I really don’t want to do this. I just want it to all go away. I don’t want to die, just live in oblivion until it is all done.
Getting up in the morning seems to be the most difficult part of my day. I just want to pull the covers over my head and tell the world where it can go. I get up though. At 6:50 a.m. My youngest daughter counts on me to get up with her and send her off to school with a good breakfast, lots of hugs and a smile. This I do, but I curl up in my recliner as soon as she is out the door (at 7:45 a.m.) and sleep for another couple of hours (or more). I then spend the rest of the day avoiding anything that causes any stress or anxiety.
I have spent a lot of years developing survival skills. Living with my two dragons and the twins has been a real challenge. I have learned and done many things to get through life:
- Music: playing the piano, listening to relaxing and uplifting music.
- Self Hypnosis: I learned this from my mother when I was only 15.
- Mindless Activity: Solitaire, Jigsaw puzzles, Majhong, minesweeper
- Concentrated Relaxation: I learned this as part of my child-birth class.
- Good Friends: Someone to talk to who will not judge you and will be honest.
- Reading: Getting lost in a good book is a great way to escape.
- Journaling: Writing things down can be very helpful and allows you to put things away.
- Laughter: A great boost on a bad day.
- Hobbies: A good way to relax and unwind.
No skill works in every situation and sometimes I would use more than one at a time. While these were very helpful things to do, they are also exhausting when you are doing them constantly. With my mind constantly running at full speed, the constant fear of abuse, kids with multiple activities and all the other mother responsibilities I was always in a state of anxiety, stress, frustration and hurry up. I quickly put myself on autopilot because I became too exhausted to think. Thank goodness that these skills became second nature and my brain automatically engaged as necessary.
The Necessary Path
Oft times the only way past on obstacle is through it. Walking through my memories is almost more frightening than living them. The pain was unbearable then and frightens me now. I never want to hurt like that again. Hopefully this defragging process will be the last time.
I’m sorry that this post seems such a downer. These last couple of weeks have been so challenging. I look forward to things being better and brighter at the end of this journey. Have a great weekend all.