You Want Me To What?!
I’m sorry that I’ve been away for over a week. I have been really struggling with fatigue, brain defragging (no it hasn’t stopped yet) and frustration.
Getting My Brain Shrunk
I have not been able to see my therapist more than three times in the last two and a half years. It has been a real struggle for me not having her to help me. Now that I have the right medical coverage I can go see my therapist again. In fact, I made an appointment as soon as my coverage started and went and saw her on Friday.
As I sat and explained what I have been dealing with in my head and the overwhelming fatigue my therapist began to smile. She then asks me what I want out of my therapy sessions. I just want to not be so tired and I want the night mares to stop. She continues to smile.
She: “I never thought I would be here for this.”
She: “You have finally relaxed enough and are in a safe enough place that all the trauma that caused your PTSD is trying to process. You have finally slowed down enough that your brain can deal with all this.”
Eye Movement Desensitization & Reprocessing. Apparently this is the same treatment that our soldiers are getting when they come back from deployment. It is something I get to do on the computer between the therapy sessions that I will be having every two weeks. According to my therapist, one session is the same as six months of psychotherapy. Can you say ‘emotional’?
I’m not sure how I feel about this. I was hoping that if I stayed busy enough it would all just go away. That did not happen. All that did happen was I pushed my self over the edge physically and mentally. Now my body is giving me no option but to rest. Hence the fatigue, anxiety and passing out.
Six Months Prescribed Rest
The six months of mandatory rest is okay. I kinda need it. Now I can sit and read or crochet and watch movies without feeling guilty. Anything stressful is discouraged and naps are required. I could like this.
So what is the catch you ask? I’m not good at quiet, restful semi activity. I’m use to doing. Anything I set my mind to. Anything that needs to be done. I like being busy and active. On days that I feel good I tend to jump up and do. Of course then I spend the next several days being NOT up and NOT doing.
This is going to be and interesting few months I think. At the end I should be able to just leave all the crap behind and move on with my life. That will be really nice. I’ve lots I’ve been wanting to do and working on.
If I miss a day here and there please forgive me. I want to share my experiences on this journey for others like me who are struggling, but I have a feeling that there are going to be days when all I want to do is nothing.
Remember, to laugh. Life is too short not to enjoy as much as possible.