Hope, Fear and Determination


I first want to apologize for not posting regularly.  I have been struggling with the aftermath of a complete brain defrag.  The emotional pendulum has begun to swing and I feel mentally and emotionally off kilter.   Some days are better than others, but every day I’m tired and struggle with an overwhelming desire to absolutely nothing.

Hope

Initially, the hope was that as soon as I was done with the brain defrag I would feel 100% and be able to jump back into life with renewed vigor and energy.  The reality is that I have a great big hole where Pots used to live.  It is disconcerting walking around with so much empty space inside me.  Of course this gives me a great opportunity to make my life what I want it to be.  What do I want?  Who do I want to be when I grow up?

Fear

This is something I’ve lived with for so long that I don’t know what do to without it.  It is not totally gone though.  I have built my life several times only to have it yanked out from under me by selfish and greedy ex-husbands.  I’ve lost almost everything most important to me.  More than once.  What if I create everything I’ve ever wanted for myself?  I know how easily it can be lost or taken.  I don’t know if I have what it takes to start over again if it happens again.

Determination

This is where being an obsessive-compulsive, perfectionist, overachiever comes in handy.  I don’t know how to quit and cannot even when I feel like I want to.  I think there is a stubbornness gene that has become over developed in my family.

Everyday I am able to do a little more.  A very little.  I’m starting to sleep less and am finding a renewed desire to participate in family traditions.  I do tire very quickly and have to take time for myself fairly often.  I’m sitting here falling asleep at my computer so I’m going to be done for now.

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