Keening Dragons


Just what is keening?  Keening is a traditional form of vocal lament for the dead.

tears_and_more_by_ponythroat

Tears and More by PonyThroat

Grief is an interesting thing.  It doesn’t happen all at once.  Sometimes it is delayed and sometimes grieving happens in the process of watching someone die.  There are several stages of grieving:

1. Shock & Denial

So….My father’s death was not a shock and was something we accepted long before he left us.  Though I still wanted to deny it simply because I missed my Daddy.

2.  Pain & Guilt

Nope, no guilt involved.  We did everything we could.  Pain, however, is a totally different animal.  Bip and Pots are still out of sorts over the pain of this loss.  When they start keening I start crying.  Not quiet soft crying.  I’m talking wracking sobs that shake my whole body and I want to keen with my dragons.

3.  Anger, Frustration & Bitterness

Yes, I was really peeved at my father.  He left the finances in a mess that took me four months to sort out. Don’t get me wrong.  My father was a fabulous provider.  We never went without and always had a nice home with nice things.  He just wasn’t great with money management.

Then there were the passwords.  Oh I was so angry with my father for those.  He even had a password for his passwords.  He refused to give them to me for the longest time.  I had to bully him a little bit and managed to get that ultimate password during his second hospital stay.  It took me weeks to sort out all the passwords.  Actually, I’m still sorting out passwords….  [SIGH!!!]

There was much frustration during this time which, for some reason, is stressful.  Bip was over the top with it.  He even got the twins involved which is totally unfair.  I was able to keep Nick at bay, but Ann just ran rampant.

I think my biggest frustration was that my mother crashed, my sister crashed and that left me holding the fort.  I was sorting finances, paying bills, trying to keep the house in order, cooking meals, working with Youngest to get her caught up in school, running errands and anything else that needed doing.  I was trying really hard not to be angry since Mom and Sis had done most of the care-giving for my father, but my dragons were upset and smoking.  I just wanted to pull my blanket over my head and tell the world and everyone in it where to go…. I still do on most days.

4.  Depression

Okay, so this is not a new thing for me.  I spent almost 20 years feeling suicidal most of the time.  However, this is depression for a reason other than my brain is broken and it is easier to deal with.  I miss my Daddy.  It is not a horrible depression since I am very glad not to watch him die slowly day by day.  But I am still sad.  I don’t want to deal with people or go anywhere.  I don’t want to do anything, especially be responsible.  I know it will pass with time and as I find things that I enjoy and make the time to do them.

5.  Acceptance

My father’s death has not been difficult to accept.  It has been a relief for all of us.  Death is not an end, just another chapter in our journey through the universe.  Our family is still whole.  Daddy is just gone on ahead to plan the party and get into trouble with my mother’s father.

Grief Is A Journey

For those of you who are wondering, no, the steps of grief are not as simple as this list would have you believe.  Sometimes you go through one step at a time.  Sometimes you go through all of them at the same time and several times in a day. The order in which we go through these steps can be totally random.

Grieving with dragons is often overwhelming.  Bip and Pots often act out causing problems for me and those around me.  They will settle down again in time.  I just have to be patient with them…and me.

How long does it last?  However long it takes.

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