I Don’t Care!….But I Want To


I have been walking an emotional sword edge these last several weeks.  It has had my mother and me very worried.

Yes, No, Maybe so

This is about how I have felt for a while.  I know some of what is going on but I’m not interacting with it.

  • My uncle has been struggling with cancer.  We’ve been close over the years and my heart and prayers are with him but I’ve not kept up on what’s going on.
  • I have growth opportunities for my business but I am not doing anything about it.
  • I still have pants to sew for my daughter, but its just easier to do laundry.

I just don’t have the physical or emotional energy to deal with it.  And I’m not sure I want to….

 

Yeah, I Know….Balance….

Elephant see sawThis is something that we all struggle with.  For me it is actually been my biggest struggle most in my life.  How to do all the things we need to do and still have some energy left for what we want to do.

Bip wants it perfect.  Pots just wants it out-of-the-way.  The twins just love to run around in circles driving me crazy.  Me? I just want to climb in a hole and pull the world in over my head.  This, however, is not an acceptable option.

How am I going to find balance right now?  I’m probably not.  So now what?

I Have to Slow Down

I have had two speeds most of my life, fast and faster.  I burned the candle at both ends and in the middle.  Needless to say I used up everything I had and my reserve and there is not even a puddle of wax.  This has made it possible for me to function with Bip, Pots and the Twins over the years.  Now I am beyond burned out. I have to learn some new speeds.  Most importantly, I need to learn slow if I am going to function at all.

I have to find my most productive time of day and make the most of it.  Hopefully, without over doing.  Right?  Yeah.  Right now it seems to be between 11 a.m. and 5 p.m.  Currently it varies in duration.  Recently it has been lasting as little as 15 minutes.  Not good but getting better.

Down Time

I need more downtime than I have productive time.  This is not conducive to getting a lot done in a day.  It is what I have to work with however.  I cannot plan my day the night before because I don’t know how I will feel in the morning.  So I try to plan my day when I get up.  Some days it works better than others.  There are days that I get up and just don’t care.

Sleep Is Key

insomnia-cartoon-motelynewsHow much sleep do I need each day to function at full capacity?  Realistically I need about nine to ten hours a day.  I know I need to get to bed earlier than 3 a.m. but many nights I just can’t sleep.  My goal has always been to go to bed between 11 p.m. and midnight.  This allows me to get at least seven hours of sleep before I have to get up.  I still need to nap after my daughter leaves for school.  It used to be only an hour or so, but now it is two to three hours.  Probably because I’m not sleeping at night.  The lack of sleep has definitely affected me.

I Just Have To Wait It Out

I have discovered over the years that my capacity to function always fluctuates.  I have periods when I can really get things done and periods when I can’t get anything done.  Mostly it is somewhere in the middle.  Sometimes it fluctuates significantly in a single day.  Sometimes it is over days or weeks.

When I hit a low I have learned not to fight it.  If I fight it, it only gets worse and lasts longer.  If I try to relax and just wait it out it is not as bad and passes more quickly.  I may even be able to function better.  Sometimes.  Maybe.

At Least I Want To

The fact that I want to care is significant.  It proves to me that I am still in the game.  That is the most important thing for me to remember.  As long as I still want to care I know that I will feel better in time.  Hope.  It is what gets me through each day.

That and chocolate.

 

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