Stupid Brain!


This is something I wrote about a while back in “Shut Up Stupid Brain“.  It is a huge miracle in my life and also a testament to why Eleviv.  For those people whose brains just won’t shut up, this is for you.

Constant Noise

There's a rave going on inside my head.

There’s a rave going on inside my head.

My brain was on 24/7  for over 30 years.  All day it sped through ideas, thoughts, pictures, memories and any other place it could go.  It also ran all night.  It was like standing in a small room with no windows or doors and hundreds of people constantly yelling things at me.  It was enough to drive anyone crazy.

No medication I took ever muffled, lessened, softened or in any way affected the level noise in my head.  I tried a lot.  It never occurred to me that this was in any way strange or different because it had always been that way.  I couldn’t remember a time when my brain wasn’t noisy.

Multitasking Was An Absolute Must

Picture complements of eachdayanew.wordpress.com

Picture complements of eachdayanew.wordpress.com

Too many things were constantly and actively vying for my attention.  In order for me to focus on any one thing I had to do at least three things simultaneously.  While very productive, this was very exhausting.

To work I would have to watch TV and talk to my mother.  By distracting those parts of my brain I was able to focus fairly well on the tasks required by my employment.

To listen to speakers, webinars, seminars, meetings, etc., I would have to have something for my hands to do.  This would free my ears and the listening part of my brain.  If I don’t have something for my hands to do my brain runs amok and I cannot hear you.  This is why I carry my crochet with my at all times.

To speak was interesting.  If I spoke at the speed of my brain I would have to speak shorthand.  (I never mastered this, but my son did.)  Often, by the time I got to the middle of what I was saying my brain was off somewhere else and I couldn’t remember the point I was trying to make.  Again, if my hands were busy, I could talk.

Sleep?  Yeah, right.

I used to joke that “I gave up sleep for Lent“.   I could be absolutely exhausted and falling asleep in front of the TV but as soon as I climb into bed my brain starts running around the Brain Workouttrack:

  • What happened
  • Why did it happen
  • When did it happen
  • Why did it frustrate me
  • Should I cut my hair
  • Why hasn’t my child called me
  • Did I water the lawn
  • What do I need to do tomorrow
  • Why am I still awake
  • What time is it
  • I was sleepy before I laid down
  • The dog needs a bath
  • I need to call the doctor because….
  • Have I talked to so-and-so

On it goes throughout the night.  When I do finally fall asleep, I’m up every couple of hours.  Why?  I’ve no clue but I’m mad and grumpy.  Can I go back to sleep?  No, my stupid brain is running again.  SHUT UP!!!!!!!

Advantages of a Fast Brain

My brain constantly looks at things from different angles, view points, etc.  I can usually find a better way to do something.  I consume large quantities of new words.    I can create a mental 3-D image of anything that I read about and rotate it to see it from all angles.  I can see a picture of just about any crochet project and recreate it.  The problem is that I cannot get my brain to stop long enough to complete an idea or mental image.  When I do get a firm grip on an idea or thought I hang on to it with a death grip and then it is like hanging on to the leash of a large dog that is running away.  I’ve got it, but now what do I do with it.  When I do complete a project I often cannot remember how I did it.

Must – Be – Organized

Because my brain was in constant chaos everything around me had to be perfectly organized.  I became obsessive-complusive about how my cupboards, closets and drawers were organized.  I worked through carefully planned routines. I even created plans B-Z should anything happen to my normal routine.  As long as I knew how to react in any given situation and had already planned my actions I could deal with just about anything.  Surprise and uncertainty were overwhelming and I could not cope.  Unexpected changes often caused panic attacks.

Brain Quiet

Nine months after I started taking Eleviv a miracle happened.  I was having a stressful day at work that included disagreements with my boss and conversations with human resources.  The resolution was less than satisfactory and I was sitting in my family room feeling very frustrated.  This is when I noticed it.  The absolutely quiet.  Of course it was quiet, I was the only one home.  This was different though.  Then I realized what it was.  My brain was quiet.  You know the kind of quiet I’m talking about.  That quiet at the end of a very long, busy and noisy day.  That sigh of relief moment.  I sat there in shocked amazement.

I don’t think I will ever be able to put into words how it feels, after more than thirty years of noise, to have quiet.  The best I can come up with is unbelievably amazing.  Life has never been the same.  It is so much more.